"digested food"

Ok, the euphemism gets a pass, the rest of it almost gets a pass because the euphemism made me laugh out loud. Thanks Doctor Tarr.

Hostile "sights & sounds"

Seems like the portion of this sign that is in quotation marks is in fact the LEAST crazy. Thanks Claire.

try our "french fries"

I guess they really mean.... freedom fries? Thanks Jennifer.

near half price?

  

The placement of these quotation marks make so little sense I can't even make fun of them. Thanks Peter.

don't leave "children"

That child-like adult you hang out with could really use some supervision also. Thanks Brett.

"no pets"

I guess... teenagers in puppy love permitted. Barely. Thanks Oliver!

"Place" the hangers right here

I guess if you lob the hangers in the direction of the "rack" you're doing ok. Thanks Steve.

Name "your" price

Submitter Autumn writes, "Your mother told you to name that price, didn't she?"

"Real" butter

Who knows what the amish put in that stuff. And what counts as "real" butter anyway? Thanks Autumn.

Well, not literally

I try to avoid offensive language here, but I couldn't resist this, because the more I think about what it could mean, the funnier it is. Was the writer worried you'd take the insult "asshole" literally? Have they taken to calling someone "asshole" as a nickname? Thanks Richelle.