"santa" here

Dennis writes, "At least they're being honest and admitting that it's not going to be the real Santa. Just don't tell the kids that!"

"cash" only

Another store accepting fake cash. Thanks, David.

"or"

Some toys ARE non-perishable food items? I guess? nothing says fun like canned food! Thanks, Gabe.

"egg" "salad"

Ok, I'm on board with things involving mayo not being called salad, but if it doesn't have eggs in it... Thanks, David.

passive aggressive, sarcastic trashcan

My anonymous danish source translates the sign this way, "Can you 'maybe' empty me when I'm 'full'? (- signed) 'The Trashbin' "

your "cheeks" eh?

I can't figure out if this is supposed to be a euphemism or just weird. Thanks, Jacob.

Oh do they

Erik got both of these emails after purchasing a Subaru. I'm not sure which error is worse, but I know which one is funnier.

oh "will" it

We aren't trying to manipulate you at all! These alarms "really" "are" better. So cut out the smoking. Thanks, Robert.

gifts on "this" table

I guess you can put the gifts on any old table. Thanks, Matt.

Train runs "express"

Don't confuse "express" with actually going fast. Or vocalizing feelings. Thanks, Andrew.

they have "seeds"

I don't know if they have imaginary seeds, or seeds so huge they should really be called pits, but something is up. Thanks, Wilsons.

It's "bleach" they tell me

This is obviously somebody's work booze that they don't want other people to know about. Thanks, Steve.

eco "friendly"

I guess it just makes you acquainted with eco? Eco non-hostile? Thanks Lori!

After "flushing" eh?

I wonder what they think "flushing" is a euphemism for? Thanks Reid. Or "thanks."

active "bees"

This looks nicer bigger, click through to see. Submitter Michael clarifies there are literal bees in the actual area, but maybe there are also GHOST bees... somewhere.

or whatever you call it

I wonder what they're really serving, and in what way it resembles spaghetti. Stringiness? Potential for staining a white shirt? Thanks, Deanna.

"please pull"

I'm not sure what they really want forward. Your best foot? Thanks, John.

wait, so when should I flush?

Submitter Toby wonders if he should just be embarrassed or pretend to flush instead.

"hiring" eh?

Actually, we're just interviewing people, but not hiring anyone. Thanks, Leora.

As somebody once said

Submitter S.W. suggests they really want you to open a window.

"thank" "you"

Putting both "thank" and "you" in quotation marks makes it seem extra pointed. Thanks, Mark.

Umbrella "bags"

Submitter Mark assures me these really are bags. Maybe the sign writer thinks others don't believe so, since they aren't recycling them.

fake polite about ice

If the ice melts, is it wasted? Will they be polite about it? Thanks, Cameron.

Burro Food

If you are planning to feed your burro here, you better know the secret code. Thanks, Chris.

Thanks for "5" years

I guess it's more like five-ish. Thanks, Lucas.

"watch your back"

I guess "watch your back" is this place's catch phrase. Thanks, Ross.

It might end earlier?

I guess these movies... never end? because they stay in your mind? I'm out. Thanks Jon.

how much is that?

I guess they barely care enough to do anything. Thanks, Madeleine.

"fire alarm"

I wonder if anything here makes a loud noise ever. Thanks Sarah.

oh does he?

Click to enlarge and you will see this sign for the city mission says Christ Jesus "receiveth sinners." What that might mean with the quotation marks is hard to say.

Come for "relief"

I don't know what you need "relief" from but I wouldn't necessarily come here. Thanks, Zeno.

you know, the "urine sample"

I am pretty sure "urine sample" is definitely not a euphemism. Unless it is? Thanks Amanda.

Protest SOPA

You may have noticed that many of your favorite internet sites are going dark today to protest legislation in the U.S. congress that would effect the open internet. I don't have the technical skills to make my site change for the day (or the time to learn or ask for help) but I do encourage you to learn about the bills and contact your representative about them. Wired.com has a good summary and some links for more details.

fill in your own pronouns

I guess "somebody's" satisfaction is important to "some of us." Thanks, Jeremy.

"light-refreshments"

Juliann submitted this one and didn't give me any context, I can only imagine what light-refreshments are, and what it means to pretend to serve them.

employees "only"

I guess friends of employees are invited too. Thanks, Charlie.

"favourites" eh?

I guess with all the euphemisms in these dishes, no wonder they are somebody's "favourites." Thanks Stuart.

mailroom fake polite

Submitter Chris writes "Found this in my department's copy/mail room. I always feel there is some begrudging sincerity in it. I guess it works because the floor is 'always' clean."

you know, the "shore"

Maybe this ad is using the quotation marks to remind us of the television show of the same name. In their defense, the more you repeat the word "shore" the dumber it sounds, so maybe that was their problem. Shore. Shore. Shore. "Shore." Yup. Thanks, Adam.

"painless dentistry"

Gabbie in DC sent me this. I don't know what I can say to make this more awesome.

Other quotation mark jokes on the internet

See number 15

"scents" eh?

You know you have a good pun when you need punctuation to make it clear. Right? Thanks, Carolyn.

"and new"

Ok, I'm really not sure what the quoted phrase is supposed to apply to. Couscous salad seems most likely, but where does the "the" belong? Thanks Jack!

As you know him

Oh man, "Eric" is the best! Who cares what his real name is! Thanks, Andrew.

impressive

That's right, this one opens with double quotes, and closes with a single quote. I'm not even sure what that means, or whether gift cards to Bob's really do make the perfect gift (I'm guessing no though). Thanks, Cari.

wait, potato utensils?

Ok 1) they make utensils out of POTATOES??? 2) I wonder what these ones are really made out of? Thanks, Joe.

sorry-ish

I really think the parenthesis on these are almost as funny as the sarcasm marks. This sign is at a post office, not that it really explains much. Thanks Autumn.

"thin cut" you say?

That's some fancy terminology you guys have there. Thanks Erick.

semi-frozen?

I guess you can defrost it really fast if it's not actually frozen. I figure it's ok for me to post this over a month after I received it, we're arguably always approaching "Thanksgiving" right? Thanks, Eric.

"wire cutters" eh

Submitter Andrea requests that we look past the description of plastic food as "yummy" (clearly correct) to the smaller print below. She explains: "Every parent DETESTS those cable ties, especially when kids are oh-so-eager to play with their new toys, so I'd say "chainsaw" is more like it!"

or IS IT?

Mike grabbed this from television show Terra Nova. I am not sure about the plot subtleties here, maybe she's not sure if it's a dream?

Your "phone" eh?

They have so much disdain for your cell they barely acknowledge it as a "phone." Thanks, Randy.