semi-free

When you do your taxes, it won't seem so free anymore. Thanks, Blair.

pretend fact

Are the Snapple facts actually true? If they aren't, then this is totally ok and awesome, and they should hire John Hodgman. Thanks, Virginia.

welcome indeed

So I suppose it's the lender's sad dining room, really? Thanks, Taylor.

"fresh" seafood platter

It's been a while since I posted something "fresh." This seafood must be straight from the "ocean." Thanks, Glen.

In the vicinity

Sounds like the bobbleheads are actually nearby. Thanks, Julie.

fake danger

ooooo "danger" I guess actual door injuries are rareish? Thanks, Ravi.

the store is "open"

Ezra's friend owns this record store. Maybe it's like the one in High Fidelity, only open if you are sufficiently cool.

"go dancing"

I guess it's still weight loss if you're terrible at it. Thanks, Colin and Beth.

the "back room" eh?

I wonder if Dr Redacted is going to pop OUT of the cake. "Welcome" indeed. Thanks, Jamie.

the "foot pedal"

I like the way that this is full of euphemisms, but the quotation marks are around "foot pedal." Thanks, Robb.

as you call it

I don't know if this person is that serious about protecting animals, seems a little sarcastic. Thanks, Graham.

only when it's "open"

I don't know what kind of crazy tables they have, but they only resemble picnic tables. Thanks, Jethro.

as a team-like structure

I guess they aren't ACTUALLY a team, just LIKE one. Thanks, Kelly.

It's "temporary"

I guess the power might be down for a long time. Thanks, John.

From "Germany"

So, I guess these are from Belgium or Austria or something. Thanks, Andrew.

a "non-smoking" restaurant

Michael writes, "Either (1) the restaurant is really trying to quit smoking, but it just won't take, or (2) you can smoke as long as you're discrete about it."

from Barcelona

Montse sent me this and translates the first sign as: push the "door" "thank you." The second says they are selling off their pajamas for "boys" and "girls." Except girls is misspelled so it's more like "dolls." She proposes you can push the window, and I suggest you find little girl clothes exclusively.

well, ok

Writer of this menu is apparently a beer snob, but not in charge of beer selection. Thanks, Eva.

"top quality"

I guess this cognac isn't as good as they would like Stephen to believe. Thanks, Stephen!

"chinese food"

Ever since I watched this Ted talk, I think "Chinese food" might be about right. In the US anyway.

these cookbooks are alright

I guess "fabulous" might be overstating it a bit. Thanks, Betsy.

CPR "available"

I guess CPR is only sort of available. Thanks, Allison.

chicago suburbs?

I guess the Bears aren't really from Chicago? Thanks, Renny.

or so they say

James writes, "This sign is on the front of my in-laws' house. At first, I thought it was an example of unnecessary quotations marks. But, then I realized that they don't actually grow any food. So, now I just don't know..."

um, alright.

I am thinking that the person who wrote this fortune knows about the game where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune and decided to add to the innuendo with some quotation marks. Thanks, Melissa.

She'll be in "australia"

Annie's going to be going to "Australia" for a while. You know. Jail. Thanks, Kathy.

a little special

Kids are "pretty" special here, but not VERY special. Thanks, Grant.

your stolen items

I guess you either weatherproof the things you borrowed or do it for your friend? Thanks, Emlyn.

depends on your definition of available

Or maybe it's your definition of nutritional information that might be the problem. Thanks, Thomas.

bring it to the "front desk"

I guess there's a mysterious place that they call the "front desk" for some reason. Thanks, Rachel.

don't adjust the "temperature"

Ooooh, right, the "student lab" ie secret society. Got it. Thanks, Lizzy.

semi-affordable

I guess these piano movers are pretty pricy. On the other hand, it stinks to move a piano, so maybe it's worth it. Thanks, Tim.

"great prices"

I guess the prices aren't so good after all. Thanks, Aaron.

(name of city redacted by submitter)

Don't actually guess

1) I suppose it's really more of a stew. 2) You don't really have to guess, there's words AND a picture. Thanks, Jeremy.

not so honorable?

Maybe this is REALLY a local honor society. Thanks, John.

Just "create" it

I don't really know what's going on here, though those pictures sure do look like Dr King... Maybe that's not his real name? Thanks, Sam.

bottle of "water"

Corrine spotted this at a mexican hotel. I guess you can fill your bottle with tequila.

so... stolen?

Paris Hilton thinks this Bubble Tea is "hot." Thanks, Andrew.

We have "rice"

I guess the rice is cooked in a sub-par manner. Thanks, C. L.

more assumed names

I think I've seen assumed name housekeepers before. You know, if I had a service job, I'd go with a stage name also. Thanks, Marne.

In response to criticism, I wish to clarify that this post is not intended to demean service workers in any way, they work hard and don't get paid enough.

sounds "special"

Joan spotted this one, which is I assume a reference to a short story that I'm not familiar with.

the "eyes" have something?

This creepy sign is only made creepier by some quotation marks. Just for you, my beloved readers, on St Valentine's Day. From me and submitter Jack.

here's to fake holidays

This store is doing a fake promotion during a fake holiday, "Valentine's Day." What remains to be seen is if they are merely underscoring the manufactured nature of our celebration of Valentine's Day, or if they are referencing something EVEN FAKER. Thanks Justin.

And Happy Valentine's Day, readers.

uh, right

This one doesn't even lend itself to a weird interpretation. Maybe you do have to do that? Huh? Thanks, Brandon.

definitely not fresh anymore

Hank informs me that his great-grandfather owned this store when this ad was printed in 1930. He did not comment on the freshness of the clams at the time.

oh, the "superbowl"

Superbowl of DRINKING you mean. Thanks, Stuart.

"thank" you

I wonder if there are some other words this sign-maker preferred to substitute for "thank." Thanks, A.

nearly human

CJ found this in a job training survey. She did not tell me whether she had experience working with zombies, vampires or cylons, so I'll assume she has.

talk to the "pastor"

I assume "pastor" is somebody's mob nickname. It all makes more sense that way. Thanks, Elisha.

so, which days are "week days"

So is Friday a week day or a "week day"? Existential! Thanks, Eugene.